


I Think About God

by orphan_account



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No evas - no angels, POV Second Person, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Self-Harm, Sex, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:06:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28677867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: There's something pulling at your heartstrings telling you this is wrong, but you refuse to listen. It's for your own benefit, no one else's. When was the last time, you wonder, when you had done anything for yourself?
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 5
Kudos: 40





	I Think About God

It's eating you alive, the guilt. It's _all_ eating you alive. _It was for the best_ , is what you like telling yourself. But there's a part of you knowing that wasn't true. You shiver slightly as the bitter December wind slaps your face. You nearly lose your balance, your grip tightens against the poll supporting you upwards. One fall, you think, is all it would take. 

It's Christmas Eve, and what a sad way to be spending it. You had taken your usual walk when you finally decide that you've had enough. The world has put you through an unbearable amount of pain, and it's just about time to stop being a part of it. There's nothing beneficial about sticking around anyway. You haven't any friends, your family hates you, and it'd be a lie, even, to call someone such as yourself mediocre. You know you'll always be less than that, like unwanted dirt beneath a person's shoe. You're twenty-four years old and you've had enough. Day by day you can hear the grains of sand pouring through the hourglass of which is called your life. The short yet pathetic life you've forced yourself to get through. And none of it was worth it. 

One _fall is all it would take,_ you think once more. You knew this would happen. Of course you'd back out, per usual. You can never commit yourself to anything. 

_Pathetic_.

Those were the last words she had said to you before your departure. Had you been kinder, better, smarter, then perhaps this wouldn't have happened. You're cold, tired, and miserable. You've been standing on this railing for nearly a half hour now. What could possibly be holding you back? You know you have nothing left for yourself, so just _let go._

But you don't. Instead you lower yourself back to the ground with shaking limbs, sliding against the railing, rocking yourself back and forth on the pavement. There's a hot, stinging sensation pricking at the corner of your eyes. You're certain you're on the brink of tears, but you tell yourself it's okay to cry. No one else is here, so it doesn't matter. You're all alone, you realize. Nothing you do now will ever matter. Wiping away your tears, you notice an empty water bottle sitting by your side. You feel slightly sorry for it. The sight of that is enough to push you past your breaking point. It's just a water bottle, nothing more than that, yet pity is something that comes to you. 

_I too should be like that bottle, inanimate. I don't want to be aware of my own existence, I don't want to be here. It's so lucky, not having the ability to feel the same pain people in this world go through. I think about how awful my life has been. Of course I didn't do much with it, and I should have when given the chance but... it's all too late now, there's nothing left for me._

There's an aching pain in your heart when you know not even suicide will count as a solution. So you get up, wipe your tears away, and begin your walk back home. You didn't think you'd be doing this, yet here you are. 

On your way back, you pass by a small corner store sitting on the end of the street. You walk in there, not quite certain of why. But then it's because you've realized you needed some kind of distraction. Something to temporarily calm your nerves. You walk up to the counter and ask for a pack of cigarettes. When the clerk asks which brand, you respond by saying the cheapest one. It's not like you can afford much, it's never been anything good. 

As soon as you step outside, you quickly light your cigarette. You'd quit a year ago, after smoking for nearly three. _It's fine now,_ is what you think as the familiarity of cigarette smoke wafts through your lungs. It's almost nice, comforting even, if you could ignore the obvious health risks you're put at from doing this. You take several long drags, each toxic breath slowly pulling you back to reality. As the lit roll of paper dangles in between your fingers, you think about God. 

The God who created you.

The God who instilled life into you.

The God who is constantly watching.

The God who supposedly loves you.

A strong gust of wind blows in your direction. Your cigarette falls to the ground. _Maybe it's him, maybe he's reaching out to me._

"God," you say in a confident voice, "if you're hearing me... please, please just listen. I don't know if I can do this alone. If you truly loved me, why would you abandon all hope in me? Why does nobody want me? How have you allowed things to get this bad?"

In this moment, you realize it's only you and God. 

\---

Kaworu Nagisa is an angel. 

It's what you like to think as he slides your pants off with gentle, caring hands. Your shirt comes next, and you self-consciously feel embarrassed as the matted, damaged skin on your forearms becomes visible. You try to pretend Kaworu can't see the damage you've done to yourself. Years and years of self-abuse inflicted upon yourself out of anger, sadness, and pure hatred towards the world and the people who populate it. But he notices, and the smile he had been wearing falters. You want to tear your wrist apart.

"Are you cutting again?"

Kaworu's grip suddenly tightens against your left forearm. You wish you could melt into the floor, but you feel obliged to give him the most honest response you can think of.

"It can't be helped," is what you say.

"It can be. And I'm going to offer myself to you, if it's truly what you want. But if you're not ready for this..."

There's something pulling at your heartstrings telling you this is wrong, but you refuse to listen. It's for your own benefit, no one else's. When was the last time, you wonder, when you had done anything for yourself? Kaworu was _offering_ himself to you. It's a blessing, considering that you've never really had much. 

"I am. I am ready, I _want_ this, Kaworu. With you."

And so you lie completely still in bed, just as Kaworu presses up against your back. You decide to let him get some enjoyment out of this. As he continuously pumps in and out of you, all you can do is _lie_ there, like some stiff doll thrown to the side of a child's bed. 

In and out, in and out. 

But it feels like nothing. Even Kaworu's erection feels like nothing. It's hopeless, all of it. You want to tell him to stop, and yet you don't. It continues on, until Kaworu has exhausted himself to the point where he can no longer continue. 

The two of you lay naked on your stiff mattress. Images you swear you'd seen on the glass windows of your Parish come flooding into your vision. You think about God, for the umpteenth time of the day. 

"Kaworu," you begin, "do you ever think about _God?_ "

He looks at you puzzled, most likely shocked that you would even begin to ask such a question. 

"God? As in... our creator?"

"Yes."

"No, I rarely ever do. Why do you ask, Shinji?"

He says your name and it seems so foreign to you. _Shinji._ Sometimes you forget it's the one that belongs to you.

"Kaworu, I... I've been thinking about God recently. It's nearly everyday now, and I just... I can't get the thought of him out of my mind. I don't understand why I'm here, why he just decided to _put_ me here. It's like I'm some helpless puppy lost in the middle of no where. I can't tell what I'm supposed to do. I don't know who I am anymore, I just can't put the pieces together."

"Shinji... what are you talking about?"

"I was going to kill myself today. I stood on the railing of a bridge for a half hour just contemplating what it'd be like to _let go._ To just let go of everything. All the pains and burdens I've once felt, all of it, gone. I could've done it, I should've. And subconsciously it's all I'll be thinking about for the next few weeks now. I think about who I am, and what I've done. My failures are something I constantly reflect on, and it's weighing me down. I feel guilty, incredibly so, and I also feel hopeless, and I'm unsure of what more I can do with myself. It's pathetic almost, seeing how my life just has to be this way. I'm mostly alone. I don't have any friends or relatives I'm close with in particular. People only talk to me out of obligation, it's not that I really matter. In a few years I'd be forgotten... I just don't think I belong here anymore. I asked you for sex purely because I have nothing else, and not even that was enough to pull me out of this. If God is constantly watching you, why won't he help? Why does he allow me to just _suffer_ like this on a daily basis?"

Kaworu doesn't say anything, he's silent, and you are as well. Neither of you speak for a few beats. But it's when he wraps his arms around you, that you realize perhaps there is a small amount of hope left for you in the future. 

"Shinji, I'm not God. You can never compare me to him. I have no connections to him other than being his child. But I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm here, I'll always be here. And I promise, I'll do whatever I can to please you. Stick around for me, please?"

You feel guilty, and there's a tight knot you didn't realize had existed sitting in the pit of your stomach. 

"Stay," he says once more.

And you do. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> Kudos/comments are appreciated.


End file.
